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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

12:49PM - oh livejournal

I move in 23 or so days...freaking out but not really cause it's going to be amazing. Packing is freaking me out. I have done five loads of laundry already and I still have a trunk full more to do. I've packed a trunk and a trunk-like suitcase full of clothing and I'm not done yet. Not to mention I have sorted through and am getting rid of a whole box of clothes and three boxes of shit I don't use. And yet I AM STILL NOT EVEN HALF PACKED! this totally sucks...kind of like when I move to Agnes only worse cause for some reason I knew I would be coming back even after I moved up there now I  don't think so. After all the shit of the last like six months I definitely think I'm going to take some time and space from my parents once I move. On the brightside Microsoft Money says my budget will work :)

In other news...she is home and we are together. Nothing really changed other than the fact that I have no reason to freak out any more. I'm pretty sure that's  her favorite part about our relationship that and I buy her Pita Pit frequently:)

I'm pretty much unsure of my job...like I like it some times but then other times I don't but on the plus side like two people that I work with that I couldn't stand either quit or were fired and the one other girl I used to have fights is actually nice now. Like we don't fight any more and we pretend to get along. weird.

I'm a little overwhelmed by school. I have my final for history on Saturday morning. I still have three projects and like 8 videos to watch for it but I do have today and tomorrow off so that will help tremendously.

And finally nice and confusing like always:
Maybe she was right. Maybe you weren't who I thought you were. Maybe I am replaceable just like she replaced him and even her. At this point I really don't know. What I do know is that I wish it weren't so. I wish that there was something I could do to make it right but really in the end I have tried...it's you that hasn't. It's not that we don't talk it's that you don't talk to me. One word, curt answers do not count. Even when I say what I think is right it doesn't matter cause you don't respond. So here I am you know that I would take a bullet for you, walk through fire, pretty much give up anything for you...now it's your turn. Do you actually care?

Current mood: good

Thursday, June 28, 2007

2:47AM - another sleepless night alone

I can't sleep. There is so much going on in my head. I wish I could all just empty it out.

First things first I'm totally in love with this apartment/room at Campus Lodge and I can totally afford it and my mom was totally excited until I told her that I need a parent guarntor. She has just spent the last six months doing everything in her power to financially detach herself from me. I highly doubt that she is going to sign for it. I'm going tomorrow/this morning to get all the information and paperwork from Campus Lodge then I'm going to class and then I'm going to spend the afternoon hanging out with her. I figure when I get out of class I'll head home with a game plan. I've already gone through my bills and laid out my expenses and I can totally afford it even if my hours get cut and I don't get that raise. I'm just gonna show her and lay it out and do everything in my power to convince her that I can do this and I don't need her help financially I just need a signature. I kind of don't like how they require. It's silly to me but whatev.

It will be nice to have you home. I don't really mind you going as long as I get to spend at least one night with you. I've missed you oh so much.

Blah I wish I could fucking sleep. I hate this. I'm contemplating moving back home until I get my own place. I'm thinking if I move back home for a minute they'll consider the whole signature thing. Plus I wouldn't actually have to start paying until September and by that time I have figured out that I will have at least 700 dollars saved not including what's in my savings currently and living on forty dollars a week which if I'm smart I won't even spend. I'm hoping and praying that she says yes. If not I'll figure it out. I always do but I'm definitely not giving up on this place. I want it so badly more than I've wanted anything in a long time.

I don't work tomorrow which is nice. I wish I could pick up more hours but whatev maybe I can next week. I need to finish up my history class stuff. I start psych tomorrow. That should be fun. Once I get my history stuff done I won't have to worry any more. Psych is gonna be easy. I also have to finish that damn driver's class. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I've got plenty of time...tomorrow night sounds like a good time for that.

Tara is going in the hospital again. Second time in a month. I'm worried about her. She's an awesome person and I hope she gets better soon. It seems like it's just been one thing after another. We're going to see her maybe bring some flowers to make her feel better. Who knows.

I think I'll be able to sleep now. I hope everyone is well.

Current mood: awake

Sunday, June 24, 2007

5:19PM

fuck you fuck you fuck you. God I just want my life back. I want that life I had. Damn it. I know I can never have it and I know you'll probably never speak to me again but fuck. Even if I just got one second just one minute to say good bye. To let go. Fuck that would make it all better. I'll just keep running. I'll run and run till I can run no more maybe then I'll be okay. I can't get it from my head I can't change the way I feel so I'll just run physically just run and when I run I'll push the thoughts out with every mile. With every mile I'll let you go I'll push you out maybe one day you really will be gone and you won't be there any more. Maybe one day I can forget you just like you've forgotten me. Maybe.

And you. What if it's not different? What if when you come home we can't fix it? What if the issues aren't resolved? I know she's not right but I also know that maybe I'm not either. Maybe we won't be. I'm not resolved yet either I mean jesus did you read what's above? I'm not resolved but I know I want to be with you. I know I want to try. I've stuck it out. I've done everything I can. Through fucking hell and high water. Through up down and everything in between. Maybe I'm wrong about this but I'm willing to find out.

Current mood: drained

Monday, June 4, 2007

9:47AM

I'm still so alone. I knew this trip was gonna be this way I just wish it wasn't this way. I wish you were home. I wish that you were with us. I wish that I didn't have to sleep alone last night. it just sucks. what if when you come home you things are drastically different? what if?

Thursday, May 31, 2007

11:56AM - the most horrible things

I just had the worst nightmare. I think the pills are giving me anxiety when I sleep. Maybe the pills just hold off the anxiety till I'm sleeping. It was freaking intense and really freaking vivid. We all know who gives me anxiety and makes me worry about potential violence occurring. She was definitely in my nightmare.

THE NIGHtMARE: Emily was totally living at this house with Arlene which I don't get. We were outside the house...me and Emily and Casey and out of nowhere Arlene is standing right in front of me. She raised her fist in a punching motion but didn't follow through. I looked her right in the eye and told her not to do it. She did it again. And put her arms crossed in front of her. After like three or four times of this Arlene walked away and I started bawling. Emily was with me and I'm like Emily this isn't working...you can't live here...she's gonna fuck you or me up. Emily is like but it has to work and she's crying and like why? And I'm like Emily ARLENE LIVES HERE! this will never work. in the middle of Emily and I going back and forth Arlene walks out again but this time she has a knife. I have no idea where she got the knife but I'm like go ahead Arlene put me out of my misery but instead she just slide the knife on the ground at me and pulled out another one. I picked up the knife and somehow Tampa Bay was behind me and I tossed the knife in the water. It was so weird I finally realized we were on Bayshore Blvd. Arlene kept pulling out knives. Then out of nowhere there was a huge crowd like Gasparilla and Casey and Emily and I tried to vanish in the crowd and I saw Arlene's mom and we had to go a completely different way. Of course then I woke up.

Seriously I'm so freaked out and even more exhausted then I was before. I can't stand this. I wish I could make it go away. Is it possible to have panic attacks in your sleep? cause I'm pretty sure I just  had one.

Current mood: anxious

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

3:50PM - when you don't feel important...

In the end it really isn't going to matter. The way I feel will never change the facts. In the end no matter what none of this matters and I hate knowing that. I hate knowing that I will never mean as much. I hate knowing that the odds are against me. I hate knowing that in the end I'll probably lose again. What is the point of keeping going? There is none is there?

I felt fine until that moment. I felt like for once in my life I had control again. I felt like things could be okay. Like for once I could be okay and now I have no idea.

I am completely stressed out I work constantly and when I'm not I'm going to school and when I'm doing neither of those things I'm sleeping cause I'm completely exhausted from doing those two things. I just have no idea what to do. I'm freaking out. I tried to call in and they were like okay but can you work? And I'm like I guess so. Then they were like okay come in and we'll figure it out when you get here. Meaning come in and work and maybe you'll be able to go home.

And top of it I miss her. Totally miss her but I don't want to tell her cause I don't want to be clingy but damn it I miss her being around. And damn it I miss sleeping together. I just miss it all. Three months ago when this all started I didn't expect to feel the way I do right now and it sucks.

Current mood: stressed

Friday, March 23, 2007

9:25PM - two posts in one day lucky you...

i feel like shit. i'm in a funk and i'm not quite sure of how to get out of it. it just sucks. i hate this feeling. i need something. anything to make this go away.

i wish i knew what put me here. i wish i knew how to change it.

i'm not the same crazy as you. yeah i have my little quirks but i normally handle them pretty well. it's just times like these that are hard.

11:34AM - I made it through another year

I made it through another year. every birthday things seem a little better each time. I had an amazing birthday day. my best friend Casey called me right at midnight. then yesterday(my actual birthday) I went over to her place because we were supposed to go apartment hunting and she had made me a cake and a card. amazing, right? yeah that's what I thought. then last night after some indecision we went out to the Castle and for the first time in a long time I was actually sober for 80s night, weird right? especially considering it was my birthday but I still had a good time and didn't mind.

we went apartment hunting and found this place that we are absolutely in love with but we've decided to keep looking. they were kind of sketchy any ways. one lady told us a certain price and then when we called back a guy gave us a different price. we'll see. Casey is working today so I'm on my own when it comes to apartment hunting.

some people just get to you. no matter how much you think you've let go it will hit when you least expect. in those moments you wish they were. the big things. but isn't that life.

I wanted to call. actually I wanted you to call but you won't. I understand. I hope you're happy.

it's not a matter of who. it never has been. it's always been a matter of when. it's a typical situation and I'm used to it. I just keep going cause what else are you going to do? bitch about it? you can only do that on your birthday then you have to give it up and let it go anyways. yep it sucks but when that's all you know and you're used to it doesn't really matter or suck any more.

not disappointed just really really sad. I hate when she gets like this. I never want to hurt her but I have to grow up and move on. I'll still be here. she thinks I'm just going to disappear when she knows in reality I need her as much as she needs me.

I have so much more to write but I don't want to write any more. love.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

5:16PM

yeah I'm your daughter and you're cutting me off completely because I want to live somewhere other than your home. no I guess I'm not your dependent any more. fucking bullshit. fucking bullshit that is all it is. I know plenty of people that are in college that do not live in dorms who are still dependents of their parents. plenty of people whose parents don't give them any money and their parents still claim them on taxes. plenty of people whose parents do that shit all of the time.

I'M YOUR ONLY FUCKING DAUGHTER!

you're completely cutting me off...it's such bullshit...oh wait you're cutting me off at my request. I'm sorry I requested this? who knew, trying to have a little independence meant I got all of my independence at once. I just don't want to live in this house any more I'm done sticking it out. I've done everything you've asked me and then some. good luck trying to get ahold of me when I don't give you my number. good fucking luck.

*edit*

so after talking to my mom she has decided to pay for school at least. yay! she told me that she was just using it as leverage anyways to help me make the better/right decisions. yeah okay. I already knew that. I knew that she was thinking she held her ground long enough I would break but I knew otherwise. I wasn't backing down this time. there are things I want to do and need to do. this is one of them.

I sent my aunt an e-mail and told her about it and funny thing is she agreed with my mom. weird. not what I expected. am I wrong? maybe I am but I guess that's for me to figure out.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

8:53PM - ahhhhh!

life it's changing fast. it's here. I'm making decisions and going forward really quickly. I only have a short time to get everything together.

I may or may not be freaking out a little. I seriously am freaking out.

gotta go get my second job this week. Work hard and save lots of money. this will be my last week going out for a really long time. it's gonna suck but it will be totally worth it in the end.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

4:46AM

so here it goes...a nice little rant...enjoy or don't whatever...feel free to comment at any time.

please don't be mad at me. I know I was fine. I am sober. I was okay to drive. I know my limit. I know how I am. I just wanted to sleep in my bed for once this week. please understand and don't hate me. you are my jew...I love you

you...yeah you...yet again. yet mother fuckin again. I call you and nothing absolutely nothing. you say you want to be here with me yet you aren't. you want to take care of me and be here for me any time I need you well I fucking need you! where are you? I don't even care. I don't want to even know any more. don't call me, don't write cause I won't be there. love.

and you...can't call you though I know you've called me. I lost one of my closest friends to someone who doesn't really care about her. I've lost one of my closest friends to someone who can easily call me names when she's never even met me and I've never done anything to her. I can't call you. I can't tell you about my problems I can't ask you for advice. too bad our friendship wasn't strong enough.

and finally you...thank you for coming into my life. I only hope you will give me a chance. I can only hope that you will stick around even if just as friends. I enjoy your company and I like you as a person.

these people know who they are and if they don't well then someone out there does.

love. love. love.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

9:14AM - Savannah in 10 days!

so life is life as usual...Savannah in 10 days! I'm completely stoked. My best friend Casey and my friend Deidra are both joining me. I can hardly wait. Plus My Joy will already be there too. Yay!

non-stop...it's good...bringing a smile to my face. I won't get my hopes up though cause chances are you're a brick wall too. I'd like to think the best but I know the rest. I'll take what I can get for now and maybe I'll get more if I just wait.

I need to re-focus...get work done for once. Tonight will help me do that unless of course I'm the first to know ; )

so yes I think I'm a little manic and slightly depressive currently but on a whole I think I'm pulling through quite impressively.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

11:33AM - yep

life is always good...especially when you have good friends and a really amazing best friend.

I'm all about experience...it's about trying everything once and knowing what you like and don't like. there are some things that I will never try but other things such as what I did last night that I wouldn't mind trying. it was an experience...really, really good and I wouldn't have ever wanted to do it with anyone other than who I did last night. will I do it again? who knows...I liked it so the chances are pretty likely.

fucking stoked about Savannah! Deidra's going and....and.....and MY FAVORITE!!! I am so fucking excited. Casey and I got matching bras...fucking amazing. No we're not gonna just walk around in our bras we'll have wife beaters on at least at the beginning of the day but we can't promise we still will at the end of the day.

just a side note, if you tell me to throw something out you should know that I'm going to throw it out so don't expect to be able to call me ten minutes later and get it back from me...the chances of that happening are very unlikely.

gotta go catch up on homework now. I hope everyone is well.

Friday, March 2, 2007

8:37PM - and so tonight was the final goodbye...

I knew it would never change...I knew that no matter what I said to you it was already over. You're right...it's already been too late for too long...October 29th was even too late. I let you go now....or maybe you're letting me go...either way we've let it go. always and forever.

on a different note....had a wonderful night last night. started out kind of slow but it picked up. The Castle was hot as balls all night....wtf was up with that? AAAANNNNNDDDDDD they did not play any of my songs....so disappointed. still had a good time and danced my ass off.

exciting news...I'm going to Savannah for St.Patty's day!!!! who's totally stoked?!?!?!?!? who will be there with me???? it's gonna be a-fucking-mazing!

the end.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

4:27AM - so it seems...

as weird as it is, I believe this journal has become a happy spot...it's all positive here. I mean yeah I still have a few moments where I get upset and a little "down" but somehow I just keep going and it doesn't sprial. All of this is a weird feeling for me. I don't know how else to describe it. I haven't been this stable for a long time. I really like where I'm at and I like where I'm heading.

I won't lie, in approximately 3.5 hours I will be going to class with no sleep and probably failing a test and then bombing an in class writing assignment but you know what? it's okay cause my horoscope says it is: "You may overlook the practical consequences of your actions today, although they really aren't that hard to see. It could be that you just don't want to think about your responsibilities for a while, since they have been weighing heavily on you. Go ahead and have your fun, but remember you must come back to your work sometime soon." How funny my horoscope tells me that it's okay that I've neglected my work as long as I go back to it soon. Which I will just not today or tomorrow...Friday maybe. Yeah Friday sounds good.

So yeah, today/yesterday technically now, my moms celebrated 15 years together! and you wanna know how they celebrated? wings and America's Next Top Model with their daughter. isn't that cute? I love my moms...

okay, back to note taking in hopes of not failing...yeah right...but like I said it's all okay :)

Sunday, February 25, 2007

1:30PM - i've been denied all the best ultra-sex

don't eat our food...you don't live here...you don't pay for our food...it's not like I live here either but I do help pay for food occasionally. why do you have such a sense of entitlement? oh wait I figured it out cause everyone wants you...right got it. whatever. lol.

lonesome for no one when
the room was empty and
war as we knew it was obsolete
nothing could beat complete denial

life is good. really really good. lately in my life I haven't had to pretend. I'm just here and being with all these people and living my life has made me happy. I absolutely love my best friend...she's amazing and makes life so much more fun.

that's all for now.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

3:26AM - Hey there Delilah, what's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Time Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

I'm looking for a change...for something big.

What if for some reason I didn't turn? What if I didn't slow down? What then? Would it change where I am now? Would it make things better or only make them worse? Maybe next time I won't. Maybe next time I won't put in that effort. Who would notice? Who would care?

Such random thoughts. Kind of tipsy, kind of drunk...you decide. I think I am better this way...I feel more it seems or I care less, isn't that an oxymoron or something? I feel as if I'm okay with whatever you say or do. I'm okay with life this way.

Yet again you are not here for me, you pass out on a random, bed, couch, or floor drunk to make sure you forget how much you are hurting...you are not here for me either, you lie next to her and text me and say that it'll all work out someday...oh I wish it would

I walk away and I guess that was my mistake because there you go and do what I thought you wouldn't. It's too bad and yet again I just have to continue with life. I pick up and go...I just keep moving on. You can't dwell on the past you jsut have to keep moving on just know that everything will work out the way it should.

I'm going to sleep now...wish it weren't alone...

Sunday, February 11, 2007

8:49PM - brick walls

I feel like I'm running into brick walls. Financially my brick wall has disappeared and I have my wonderful mother to thank for that and now I'm just running into walls when it comes to my friends. I feel like over the past two years, mainly the last six months or so, I have grown so much. I have learned so much and become such a different person. I came home and had to face life. I had to make decisions and was forced to face, and accept life. I had to choose to either remain the same or move forward, change and become a different better person. I feel like I have become that different better person but the people around me have stayed the same or gotten worse. I feel like I am moving forward but constantly have to turn around and pick up my friends.

My best friend for instance just seems to be learning things and understanding things that I learned a year ago. As much as I love my friends right now and care about them, I feel like if I continue to keep them in my life and continue to care it's just going to bring back to the place I said I would never go back to. I don't want to be there again. I feel like if I stay where I am then i will no longer be moving forward as a person I would just be saying I'm okay with this life but I'm not. Not that I don't love my life, I just want to keep going. I'm not done, I have so much more to accomplish and do.

The drama is the worst part because I can't handle that any more. I shouldn't have to. I don't create drama any more and I don't feed into it, it just seems like everyone around me is full of drama. There doesn't seem to be anything but drama with my friends. I don't need that in my life.

So, my solution for moving forward until just today seemed to be moving to Georgia but that has changed. I've been talking this out all day today and my friend brought up a good point...my problem is the people I surround myself with. She said that maybe it was time to change the people around me not necessarily my surroundings. I actually have to agree.

The newest solution is seems to be staying here in Florida for another year or so, just to get my AA and then move back to Georgia. I think that would be a better solution, but who knows. I change my mind way too often even for myself but the truth is clear, I need to do something to stop running into brick walls.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

11:12PM - yep.

you kiss me but I stay distant. I repeat it over and over in my head. you kiss me and it's there...everything the passion, the feeling, it's all there but I have to remind myself that you're not mine and I'm not yours. no matter what I feel I have to stop the emotion...pretend it's not there. act like I don't feel it. I don't give you the satisfaction of knowing you can still do that to me. I won't show it. I will not allow myself to fall into that hole, into that trap. I will not be treated like shit and feel like shit.

I lead a very good life, I have amazing friends and I am truly blessed. I will not let negativity bring me down or allow those feelings to overwhelm me. I am bigger, I am better and damn well stronger than that.

life has been really good lately. I feel like the changes from the last couple months really are permanent changes. I love who I am at this point in my life. yes, there have been some ups and downs but on a whole I've dealt with them well and have remained content with everything. it just feels good. I don't know how else to explain it.

so Georgia is looking good...just need a 2.95 GPA and I'm set! yay for the poor girl's Agnes! it's only temporary until I can make it back to Agnes.

I'm going to miss it here terribly. I know for sure I'm going to be homesick like a motherfucker but it's gonna be totally worth it. Plus Casey and others will come to visit and of course I'll be coming home for everyone's birthdays so it will be just fine. and I will always be here during the summer. life will go on and if things are meant to be the people that mean the most to me will still mean the most to me in the end.

more updating later but for now it's bed.

Monday, February 5, 2007

11:33PM - I'm better now...

it's not running away from your problems if the problems you're leaving aren't your own.

I know what I want, who I want to be, where I want to be, where I am going.

When I came home I had no direction. When I left Agnes I was completely lost and headed for the bottom. I knew that if I was going to crash and burn I wanted to crash and burn at home in my safe place and that's exactly what I did. I came home, hit rock bottom and stayed there. I made the choice to stay at the bottom. Eventually I saw things clearer and things made more sense. Over the last few months, I have gone through so much and changed so much. I have become the person I have always wanted to be. I am different and I know it. All I want now is to stay this way. I want to be able to be okay even when things don't turn out as planned and I think I'm doing a damn good job of it. All I have to remember is to think through things and logically react to situations without panicking or letting my emotions get the best of me.

Ladytron reminds me of Georgia.

You're right, everything happens for a reason...I'd like to think that there was a reason we didn't meet until now but I guess it's for different reasons than I would like. My friendship and her happiness mean the world to me so therefore I know what I must do. I know that in the end no matter what nothing will come between our friendship and that is what makes it okay.

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